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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23928775">can you dig me up from underneath? (i don't need your prayers or sympathy)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl'>stardustgirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>light at the beginning of the tunnel (tells me that i’m dreaming) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(Via starvation), (albeit reluctantly), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Blind Ezra Bridger, Congenital Insensitivity to Pain, Dark Hera Syndulla, Dissociation, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Ezra Bridger Has CIP, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Hera Syndulla, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hiding Medical Issues, Imperial AU, Inquisitor Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Parental Hera Syndulla, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Self-Harm, Sleep Deprivation, Starvation, Torture, Young Ezra Bridger, hera's kinda mean im really really sorry, ok i lied hera's really mean but deep down she DOES care i promise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:47:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,765</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23928775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ezra finds it difficult to adjust after being torn from Kanan once again, and the Fifteenth Sister tries to help.  A series of oneshots.</p><p>(Sequel to "Nothing Here is Singing," but you don't necessarily have to read that one to understand this one.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezra Bridger &amp; Hera Syndulla, Ezra Bridger &amp; Kanan Jarrus, Kanan Jarrus &amp; Seventh Sister</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>light at the beginning of the tunnel (tells me that i’m dreaming) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1723111</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>can you dig me up from underneath? (i don't need your prayers or sympathy)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Prompt fill for "Starvation" for Bad Things Happen Bingo.</p><p>TW: Self-starvation, Sleep Deprivation, Seven Being Creepy in General, Implied Sexual Assault, Dubiously Consensual Drugging of Child (for their own good but ,,,), Mind Invasion (via the Force), Whipping, Victim Self-blaming, Dissociation</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He hasn’t slept in days.</p><p>Ezra tries to focus as Fifteen gives him instructions for the next step of rebuilding his shields.  He really <em> does </em>try.</p><p>But his mind can’t keep up.  All he can think of is <em> exhaustion </em> as his mind swirls around him, tempting him with the thought of sleeping though he knows he wouldn’t be able to anyway.</p><p>“Pay attention,” she chides, laying a hand over his own briefly to bring him back into focus.  “You <em> need </em>to learn this.”</p><p>He nods, and tries.</p>
<hr/><p>Ezra’s vision is gone, as usual, leaving him with nothing to distract himself with, also as usual, and as he lays awake, he realizes he should maybe eat.</p><p>He doesn’t feel much like eating, though.</p><p>Kanan’s<em> hardly eating.  So why should </em> you <em> get to? </em></p><p>He shifts slightly, curling onto his side.</p><p>
  <em> “You need to eat, kiddo.  Here.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “‘m not hungry,” Ezra protests as the man passes him a half-unwrapped, stale-looking ration bar. </em>
</p><p><em> “You need to eat.  You’re literally </em> drowning <em> in that jumpsuit, kid.” </em></p><p>
  <em> Ezra eyes him warily for a moment before giving in, unwrapping the ration bar the rest of the way and eating it sullenly. </em>
</p><p>He turns onto his back again, sighing.  He’s been trying to sleep intermittently, but every time he finally starts to drift off he feels a jolt of that same wave of <em> chaos </em>from Kanan and knows he’s getting tortured again.  He swallows hard as a jolt hits him then, whimpering softly.  He gets vague flashes of sensation, of a woman’s cold voice taunting him, asking him what his Padawan would think if he could see him now—</p><p>He inhales sharply, squeezing his eyes shut uselessly.  <em> He doesn’t </em> have <em> a Padawan.  Stop invading his thoughts like the worm you are. </em></p><p>Ezra moves his arm up, trying to get more comfortable, but it doesn’t help.  The distant undertow of Kanan’s emotions pulls him in again and he’s helpless to resist.</p>
<hr/><p>Fifteen notices on his fourth—<em>fifth?—</em>sleepless day.</p><p>“When was the last time you slept?”</p><p>He shrugs.  “It’s too loud to sleep here.”</p><p>“Do you want something to stop the noise?”</p><p>Ezra remembers the rubber she’d given him to put in his ears the last day he visited Kanan in his room and, frantically, he shakes his head.  “It’s...it’s loud in <em> here.</em>”  He points to his forehead.  “The Force, it...it keeps whispering.”</p><p>The woman is quiet for so long he thinks she’s left, and so when she speaks up again Ezra nearly shoots out of his skin.  “That means you’re doing good, then.”</p><p>“<em>Good?</em>”</p><p>“That’s the Dark.  If you let it in, things will be much—“</p><p>“I– I can’t.  I <em> won’t.</em>  I—“</p><p>“<em>Trust me.</em>”</p><p>The words feel like acid, though she does not say them unkindly.  <em> How can I trust you when you took me away from him? </em></p><p>At long last, she leaves, murmuring, “This is good enough for today.”  He returns to the corner he’s been curled in every night for days now and tries to sleep.</p><p>Except sleep doesn’t come.  A Purge trooper opens the door long enough to toss in his ration bar, and an hour later he returns to collect it, still untouched.  Ezra can’t drag himself out of the pool of emotions and exhaustion that he’s been in for days long enough to eat.  The ‘trooper, thankfully, doesn’t seem to care either way.</p><p>It’s another night passed in Kanan’s agony right along with him.  When he was little—and for most of his life, if he’s honest—Ezra had wanted to feel pain.  When the doctor at the local med centre had first explained to him what his condition meant for his chances of survival to adulthood, but if this is pain, then he’s fine without it.  When Kanan’s mind finally quiets to a fitful sleep, the whispers of the fortress around him fill the silence instead.</p><p>He prepares himself for another day of emptiness and vain attempts to shield when a Purge trooper brings him a ration bar in the morning.  However, there’s an issue this time.</p><p>Fifteen comes in a couple of minutes before the trooper returns to take the bar.</p><p>She approaches him, igniting her lightsaber this time to his relief and giving him a concrete way to pinpoint her.  “Aren’t you going to eat?” she asks.  He shrugs.</p><p>“I’m not hungry.”</p><p>She hesitates before sheathing her blade and sitting cross-legged before him.  “Alright, shielding.  Let’s get started.”</p><p>They’re only a couple of minutes in when the trooper comes, taking the bar from between them and turning.  Fifteen, however, rises.  “I need to speak with you,” she says in a low tone.</p><p>“Of course, Inquisitor.”  He hears her and the trooper exit and waits in a silence filled with whispers.</p><p>After a few moments, he thinks he can hear shouting from outside his room, but before he can tell for sure, she storms back inside.  Fifteen marches over and kneels in front of him.  “When was the last time you ate?”</p><p>He stiffens in surprise.  “I dunno,” Ezra says, uneasy.</p><p>“<em>When?</em>” she presses, her voice suddenly a hiss.</p><p>“I– I don’t know!”</p><p>He feels <em> something </em>in his mind without warning and whimpers involuntarily, shrinking back.  “Hush,” she snaps.  “I need to find out.”  Swallowing hard, he tries to stay quiet even as he feels her pick through his mind.</p><p>Finally Ezra feels her withdraw and he relaxes, curling into himself subconsciously.  “Two weeks ago?” she asks, voice dangerously even.</p><p>He nods hesitantly.  If she saw it in his mind, then she must be right.</p><p>Fifteen sighs furiously, rising.  “If your shield are not at least <em> present </em>by the time I return, even if they’re flimsi-thin, you’ll regret it,” she promises, and he hears her stalk out.  Swallowing hard, Ezra shoves his apprehension down and tries to work on his shields.  And then—</p><p>“You should misbehave more often.  You look better like this.”  A lance of pain strikes through Ezra and he feels a hand trace along his cheek.  “Pinned to a wall, mind open….”</p><p>“Ezra?”</p><p>He gasps, scooting backward as his heart thuds unevenly in his chest.  “Ye– yes, M– Master?” he asks, voice suddenly hoarse.</p><p>“Your shields are weak.  Half of them aren’t even <em> there. </em> Strengthen them in front of me, <em> right now, </em> and I won’t punish you.”  Trembling, Ezra nods and gets to work.</p><p>He finishes his first after ten minutes, but when he moves to the next, he’s interrupted once more.</p><p>“Of course, pet, keep fighting.  That means you’ll just be here longer.  It gets easier if you give in, you know.”  A hand cards through his close-shorn hair, winding around several strands close to his scalp the lightsaber missed before tugging sharply.  He inhales shakily.</p><p>“Ezra, <em> what are you doing?</em>”</p><p>He feels a hand on his shoulder and he swallows hard, shaking.  “I– I’m so– so– sorry—“</p><p>“Take this,” she mutters, voice cold as she shoves a tablet into his hand.  He swallows it, not daring to refuse when he’s messed up this bad.  “And eat this.”  He takes the next object she hands him, recognizing the feel of it as a still-wrapped ration bar.  He unwraps it and bites into it, mouth dry as he swallows it.  “We're done for today.  And if I come back and you haven’t finished that, you’ll regret it.”  He nods, taking another bite as he hears her rise and leave the room.</p><p>Only moments after he finishes the ration bar, Ezra’s eyes start to droop.  He retreats to his corner, making it just in time as he passes into unconsciousness.</p>
<hr/><p>“Kid?  Kid, wake up.”</p><p>Ezra groans, shifting as a hand shakes his shoulder.  “...what…?”</p><p>“You were asleep finally,” Fifteen’s quiet voice says.  “Did you...are you rested?”</p><p>He hesitates before shrugging uneasily.  “Sure.”</p><p>The woman—Inquisitor? that’s what the Purge trooper had called her, after all—makes a non-committal sound.</p><p>“Good.  Eat.”  A ration bar is pressed into his hand and he unwraps it slowly, eating without comment.  When he finishes he crumples the wrapper, stuffing it into a pocket of his uniform.</p><p>She passes him a water bottle next, and he drinks shakily, trying to keep the faint gleam of Kanan’s emotions at bay.  Soft words slip into his mind despite his efforts, and finally he passes the bottle back, swallowing hard.</p><p>“Look at me, Ezra.”</p><p>He raises his head to face her, swallowing again.</p><p>“That’s it, pet.  We can do this all day if you still don’t—“</p><p>“You can’t skip meals.  Especially not for two weeks.  And you <em> need </em>to sleep.”</p><p>He nods slowly, trying to differentiate between the words of the woman with Kanan and Fifteen’s words.</p><p>Something <em> sharp </em>hits his shoulder, coiling around his upper arm, and a cry escapes him as the woman says, “When you’re ready to behave yourself instead of trying to shield your mind—”</p><p>“Ezra, are you understanding me?”</p><p>He inhales sharply, nodding hurriedly.  The woman hums in thought.</p><p>“Let me see your shields.”</p><p>He nods again, wary now, and he feels her slip into his mind once more.  Ezra clenches and unclenches his hands, still not used to the way it feels to have someone else searching through his mind.</p><p>A gasp of pain as another shock hits his wrist, the electrowhip sending shooting pains through him as she says, “If you’d just let the Dark Side in, let <em> me </em>in—”</p><p>Ezra feels the pain himself, suddenly rubbing furiously at his wrist until the sensation dissipates.  A gloved hand lands on his, stilling it.</p><p>“Ezra.  Are you...here?”</p><p>He nods, trembling.</p><p>“How were you seeing that?”</p><p>“I– I– I don’t know—“</p><p>“<em>Don’t.  Lie.</em>”</p><p>He swallows hard, whimpering.  “They’re from– from– they’re emotions, I think, feelings, and they're from Kanan—“</p><p>She cuts him off.  “We need to strengthen your shields.  It won’t happen as much if we do so.  Okay?”</p><p>Ezra nods.  “Okay.”</p><p>She presses steadily into his mind, and he feels her touch on his shields.  He tries to strengthen them, too but his efforts are feeble in the face of hers.  In the time it takes him to strengthen one shield, she’s already completely rebuilt another, and he can’t help a flush of shame.</p><p>Finally, his shields are rebuilt and they retreat as one, Kanan’s emotions locked behind a solid door as Ezra exhales shakily in relief.  “Th– thank you.”</p><p>“I need you able to focus,” Fifteen says in reply, tone all business though it softens at her next words.  “And I know it’s hard to when there’s someone <em> else’s </em> mind running around in your own.”  He nods in silent agreement.  “Now.  Meditation?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this is why you don't let Cr4zydreamer give me prompts oops because then you get angst like this :) but they were great prompts so thank you friend~</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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